2am...Some Clarity

I can't imagine giving another therapist the opportunity to look inside me and see my deepest fears and open wounds, and come to the same conclusion that my last therapist did...yeah, I was right all along....I am worthless and disposable, and they can just throw me away like everyone else in my life has. I don't need to hear more verification that I am a disposable burden on those around me. I already know it and what's keeping me from slitting my wrist is one last scan of the horizon where maybe a glimmer of hope might be seen. A stay of execution, so to speak. I can't imagine it's there. My whole life consists of so many people, over and over again, who have discovered my defects, no matter how hard I tried to hide them beneath a bubbly optimistic cover, and it was enough to throw me away. I wanted so much for someone to rescue me, or at least fight for me, but I wasn't worth that either.
This has been a recurring theme in my life. Over and over and over and all of the hope that I once clung to, believing that one day it would all be different, that hope is gone. It slipped away when I wasn't looking. So I began erasing my life, little by little. Now it’s all gone and I’ve nothing left to erase except myself. Maybe I’ve already begun erasing that, too.
I miss my mom and dad, and I miss my grandparents. I wish my brother and sister cared enough to contact me once in a while.
What could any therapist possibly tell me that would disprove that which has been displayed over, over my whole life, and by so many different people? They couldn't say anything to me that I could put any real faith in. So where does that leave me?
Alone in my room at 2am writing to you….